The Urban Chaos Cottage

There’s nothing like enjoying a nice spring afternoon outside with your hubby and the pups, watching them play as the sun begins to dip below the apartment buildings within our view. It’s like the perfect ending to a chaotic day… 

…Until you’re dive-bombed by a winged hoard of flying hellspawn.  

 Yes, folks. I was personally and vindictively attacked by Regina George— I mean by a squadron of airborne termites. I didn’t even know termites could fly. Did you? 

(Actually, I did. I live in Florida, we are constantly bombarded by these little beasts, but for the sake of comedy, and this post, let’s pretend I didn’t) 

I thought termites were polite little homewreckers who minded their own rotting wood. NOPE. These suckers had wings, rage, and what I can only assume was a military strategy. 

What the actual—[redacted for your grandma’s sake]? 

Apparently, after a long and dusty drought, it rained one time—and that was apparently Mather Nature’s cue to yell, “RELEASE THE BEASTS!” I should have known something was up on Sunday when I spotted a single creepy crawler in the tomato planter. Just vibing. Living its best life in my precious heirloom soil. 

Well, I showed him who was boss. Smush. No one threatens my plants and lives to tell the tale. 

But oh, how foolish I was. 

Monday? THEY CAME BACK. But not just one. Not two. A cloud. A coven. A whole aerial fleet of cellulose-craving goblins. They didn’t even try to be sneaky. They congregated like it was a backyard frat party, posted up on all the exposed wood and buzzing around like they paid rent. 

And I’m just standing there, trying to figure out if this is how I die. (Mind you, the pups are having the time of their life running around, oblivious to my plight.) 

Spoiler: I didn’t. But I did run back inside like a cartoon character flailing her arms while screaming something unholy. (Yes, I left hubby to fend for himself.) 

So now, I guess it’s war. I’ve declared DEFCON ONE in the yard. The tomatoes are on lockdown. The dogs are suspicious of every floating speck. And my husband is googling “how to perform an exorcism on your patio.” 

In conclusion:  

If you’re enjoying a nice spring day and it starts to rain, run. 

Don’t look back. 

Don’t trust the plants. 

Don’t smush the scout. 

THEY WILL REMEMBER. 

On a more serious note, this has started all across the city and then some. My friends, family, and neighbors have all been seeing and complaining about the termites pretty much since that one rainstorm on Sunday. 

I’ve been looking up some more natural ways of getting rid of them like: 

• Diatomaceous earth 

• Boric Acid 

• Vinegar 

• Salt or Borate Salt 

• Cayenne pepper 

• Neem oil 

Has anyone tried any of these or anything else? Is fumigating with harsh chemicals the best way to get rid of them? Should I release a cloud of bats? Hire an aardvark?